


To Be In Control

by kittythespider



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Aksel | Aksually Is A Good Friend, Alexis | Quackity Needs a Hug, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depressed Alexis | Quackity, Eating Disorders, Emotional Roller Coaster, Hurt Alexis | Quackity, Non AU, Other, Quackityøs little brother is honestly the main character smh, Sad Alexis | Quackity, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, What Have I Done, What Was I Thinking?, he carries the story ok, major trigger warning, this was originally posted on wattpad but its not a typical wattpad quality fix I swear its good, this whole fic is a trigger warning, trust me - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-16 11:08:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28955463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittythespider/pseuds/kittythespider
Summary: At 17 years old, Alexis finds way he sees himself may not be the way that the rest of the world sees him. A story about eating disorders and facing your own self-image.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 43





	1. chapter one

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so before we begin, here is one last trigger warning: This fic contains graphic descriptions of eating disorders and depression, so proceed with caution... Anyway! Let's get on with it, shall we?

It didn't begin with anything major.

Only a spur of the moment remark, really. A joke. Alexis had been conversing with Aksel and Carson on Discord. He had his webcam turned on, and he had been ironically moving to the iCarly signature tune. His shirt had ridden up his torso as a result. Just a little bit. Aksel took notice of this quickly and decided to make a seemingly harmless joke.

"Aren't you getting somewhat pudgy, eh Alex?" Aksel had managed to say between fits of laughter. Carson had too had a good laugh at Alex's expense. Alex managed to choke out a slightly hysterical laugh as well.

"No, what the hell man!" He'd exclaimed, laughter bubbling in his voice.

The hazel-eyed boy had not taken the comment very seriously at all, snickering along until Carson jokingly channelled in, "Yeah! Alex is much pudgier now than he was when I started speaking to him!"

That night, after the call, Alex went to the bathroom, resting both hands on the edge of the sink and gazed at his appearance. For reasons unknown, that remark had gotten to him. He had at no other time thought of himself weight-wise. His slightly oversized hoodies had always made him look thinner and more slender than he was, hanging off his form. But what if underneath those clothing hid someone who really was getting a little overweight.

Looking into the mirror that night, Alex began to have his first doubts about his appearance. Be that as it may, he deemed himself satisfactory, knowing that he was of average weight, if not a little underweight for his height and age. But he would still have to watch what he ate. Only for the sake of Twitch and Youtube, of course. He wasn't exactly trying to lose weight. It had nothing at all to do with the comment about being pudgy, even if his cheeks were a bit chubby...

And for the next week, Alex made himself wake up early in the morning to take a run at the local track field, and by the end of the week, he was doing multiple laps. He focused more on the fruits and vegetables of his diet, staying away from the large dairy products and sausages, eating healthier than he ever remembered eating.

By the end of the week, even though Alex didn't look very different, he felt a lot more energetic. The change of foods had been good. He became even more enthusiastic when streaming, and his fans seemed to love it.

After a month to two, Alex concluded that this control of his life was something he truly preferred. As a streamer and a Youtuber, he didn't have much control over his future. YouTube could fail at any moment, and Alex adored this control he had now. In any case, that remark still nagged at him...

So he decided to venture a shot at it, as humiliating as it seemed to be.

"Aksel," he asked seriously, once in a Discord call with him. "Am I... pudgy?"

While Aksel had only been paying partial attention before, he now looked up at Alex's face in shock. He blinked at him for nearly a minute, making Alex squirm slightly in his chair. He finally closed the game he'd half-heartedly paused before.

"I'm taking that this isn't a joke, which scares me," Aksel said, Alex's unfamiliar and serious tone making him feel uneasy. "Where did you get the idea that you're pudgy?"

Alex leaned away from his setup slightly, unnerved by the sudden concern. "Nowhere. It's just an honest question, Aksel. Not a suicide note." He shook his head suddenly. "Know what? Forget I asked."

"You're not pudgy, Alex."

But Alex didn't believe that. At seventeen, almost eighteen, and remaining at 168 centimetres, he wasn't going to become any taller. The fat wouldn't simply just vanish if he somehow happened to become any taller. So besides eating healthily, Alex decided that yes, he needed to go on a diet.

☾ *:･ﾟ✧

"You're turning down chocolate?" Carson had exclaimed when on a Discord call. He looked disturbed. "Pal... we live on chocolate, remember? You love chocolate."

Furthermore, Alex had patiently explained to Carson that he needed to stay in shape. "And who on Earth told you that you had to give up chocolate?" Carson asked, bewildered at even the thought of cutting chocolate. "You want to get fit as a fiddle? Chocolate is the food to do it!

If cutting a few things out of his diet had had such a good outcome, cutting out more should be even greater. The sentiment of control he would get would be extraordinary, and things would be perfect once he was thinner. He would stop once he wasn't so pudgy. It wasn't like he was going to stop eating or anything. He was just further giving up fatty foods and eating smaller portions, that's all. He would exercise as well so that he could keep up well in shape. It was healthy.

The end of the month found Alex before the mirror again. He gazed into the mirror with sparkling hazel eyes, his dark hair dripping into his face and a towel wrapped around his hips. He was a little more tired lately with the extra exercise, but Alex found his morning runs more stimulating if he forced himself to keep going until he could find his second wind.

It had happened once when the dark-haired boy kept himself going far past his body's limit, and it had felt wonderful. Like a sudden blast of energy, like being plugged into an outlet. All his tiredness had gone at that moment, and he felt as if he didn't even need to breathe anymore.

And now he strove to reach that point again each morning, to gain that temporary euphoria that was natural and oh-so-stimulating. But it was hard. And trying made Alex more tired than before, even with the healthy foods he ate. A bunch of grapes at breakfast, half a lettuce and tomato sandwich at lunch, a large glass of orange juice for a snack, and a healthy-sized salad with lemon water for dinner. It was more than some adults ate.

In any case, standing before that mirror, it was just too much. He pinched the back of his upper arm and almost recoiled at the amount of fat he picked up. His cheeks were still as round as could be, and the mass on his legs hadn't gone down a single bit. His diet just wasn't working. In fact, it seemed to almost be doing the opposite.

He hated it. More drastic measures needed to be taken.


	2. chapter two

"I really think that you should eat more, Alex."

His mother's concerned voice barely broke through the hazy cloud that was Alex's mind as he continued his daily ritual at dinner: Stir the carrots around his plate exactly thirteen times... spear one with his fork, bite off half of it, and chew thirty times before swallowing. It would be the same if it were some other vegetable or fruit he was having that day. Alex rarely ate meat or dairy products anymore, ignoring the food or pushing it to the side if his parents tried to sneak it onto his plate. Eventually they stopped trying to get him to eat it, knowing that he would ignore their attempts.

Making sure to chew the exact number of times, Alex swallowed, feeling the mashed food go down his throat thickly, adding that extra weight in his stomach.

"My eating habits are just fine, Mamá. I don't understand why you're so worried."

"I think it's either you eat more or we take you to the doctor." His father added quietly, not wanting Alex to brush them off, but at the same time not wanting the boy to explode at them in anger as he often did when prodded about his eating and being sent to the doctor for it. They didn't want Alex to be upset.

Unfortunately, Alex was upset by the threat that he heard in his father's voice. His eyes lifted sharply from his food to the man sitting across from him, glaring for all he was worth. His hand had stopped its rhythmic counter-clockwise stirring as his face visibly grew darker. His father stilled, not wanting to provoke Alex into a tantrum when he knew the boy wasn't himself at moments like these.

"Is that supposed to be a threat?" Alex asked heatedly, his hand clenching around his fork tightly. It was just that Alex was so easy to anger lately....

"It's not a threat." His mother cut in before Alex could blow up. "It's just that I'm really worried about you... but you know that. I'm just worried that... well..." she faltered for a little bit, "i'm worried that you might be in the early stages of anorexia."

Alex stared at his mother like she had suddenly sprouted another head, his eyebrows lifting in confusion. "Anorexia? You think I have anorexia?"

"Not have." The woman mended quickly. "In the beginning stages of."

"Mamá." Alex cut in. "I'm a boy. And I eat- "

"Anorexia isn't limited only to girls, Alex." His mother snapped irritably. "Boys can get it just as easily as girls can. Just because more girls get it than boys doesn't make the make males immune. It's not defined as people who refuse to eat, either. It's people who believe they are fat- "

"I don't believe that I'm fat!" Alex spat vehemently. He was about to dish out more spiteful words before his brother put a restraining hand on Alex's arm, turning the attention of the furious boy to his younger sibling. Watching his brother's tight features, Alex boggled. "You... you both really think that I'm sick, don't you? You really think I have this fucked up eating disorder and that I'm going to stop eating altogether?"

His voice was so shocked that his mother consented, "Maybe we're wrong. Maybe I've been reading the symptoms wrong. But I'd rather be wrong about this with proof that I was wrong, and not be unknowingly correct." His brother and father was quiet as she pleaded,

"Please, Alexis. Just indulge us on this. It's only because we're worried about you that we want you to eat or see a doctor."

Alex shook his head, still shocked. "...If you really need me to convince you that I don't have anorexia, then I'll eat more."

His mother gave a relieved smile as his father let out a breath of air at their easy victory.

"We're glad, Alex."


	3. chapter three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I just felt the need to tell you where exactly this fic-idea came from before continuing the story. So, here goes nothing. Inspiration struck when I watched this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MjVc_gC0VX8. He started the video off, claiming that he definitely wasn't anorexic, and then sips water from a spoon like it was soup! And this really messed up idea just formed in my head. So yeah. Enjoy chapter three!

November passed by quickly after that, and Alex's mood swings disappeared as he started eating more to appease his parents. But even though things looked like they were getting back to normal, he still couldn't help feeling antsy about the food he was consuming. It wasn't all about the diet anymore. It was also about his control and his fear of losing it. Eating how his parents wanted meant giving up on that control over his own life, and submitting to becoming someone he didn't want to be. While he had first thought that he could do anything to see his family happy, Alex soon found that voluntarily giving up control was a lot harder than he first expected. It wasn't long before he became withdrawn again. It was hard to eat like that. Each bite of chocolate tasted much too sweet for his stomach to handle, each bite of food like cardboard and each sip of soup like drinking oil. He dreaded mealtimes and hated smiling reassuringly for his parents before he gave up on that precious control over the limit that entered his mouth.

He gave up his methodological way of eating because the precision had freaked his brother out, and dutifully ate the seconds that his mother scooped on his plate. But it just didn't feel right to be eating like that. All of his control belonged to his parents, and Alex nearly despised them for that, even though it was he who gave up control in the first place. But he had to prove to them that he didn't have an eating problem. It was his pride on the line, and he could afford to give up his momentary control for his pride. Once he had proven to them that their fears were unfounded, then he could take up that control over his life again.

In the meanwhile, he would just have to continue feeling miserable.

As November passed into December, Alex became unable to run in the mornings anymore due to the cold temperature. He had tried to run the first few days but found that it was just too hard to move when his limbs were frozen all over.

So Alex was limited to stretching in the mornings, not even able to run up and down the stairs for fear of waking someone. And with every morning of his lessened activity, he could feel himself getting heavier. It was one thing when his mother fed him more, but it was quite another thing if he had to eat that much and not be able to run it off. He hated mirrors now because he hated having to see the pudgy reflection that would stare back at him with such panicked hazel eyes and those round cheeks and chubby arms. Alex's appearance was even more unkempt now that he was trying so hard not to look into a mirror.

It was the first Saturday of December when Alexis finally couldn't take it anymore. Hadn't his parents persisted on feeding him for long enough? Alex could feel the bile rising in his throat with each bite of food, and his stomach fighting pitifully as his mother piled ham onto his plate, smiling and talking with his father as she made sure that Alex was eating a healthy dose of all the food groups.

The dark-haired boy just couldn't bear it any longer. This was the first time that she had forced meat on his plate for a long while, especially something with so many calories because she had wanted Alex's eating habits to slowly go back to normal. And after having such a fresh vegetarian diet for so long, the sweet smell of the delicately cooked ham made him cover his nose and mouth with his hands, his eyes tearing over. His already upset stomach clenched suddenly and Alex stood up and raced away, hands still covering his nose and mouth, ignoring his family's cries of concern.

He barely made it to the restroom before letting loose the contents of his stomach into the sink, hands white-knuckled from gripping the cold porcelain sides so firmly. He heaved until there was nothing but his dry cough and spit. The smell was practically enough to send him hurling once more, and he turned on the faucet quickly, filling the palms of his hand with water and using that to rinse his mouth of the disgusting taste that accompanied his sickness. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and shut his eyes firmly, realising that he just couldn't take this any longer. His throat felt raw and sore... but his stomach was strangely calm now, no unpleasant nausea waiting to assail him.

Now that the contents of his stomach had washed down the drain and the smell was slowly fading, Alex felt better than he had for the entire past month. It was almost a relief to breathe without the constricting feeling in his stomach.

A hand touched his shoulder tentatively, and Alex tilted his head sideways with hooded eyes to see his brother standing over him, practically radiating concern. The smaller boy looked slightly out of breath. His worried eyes were starting to make Alex mad, reminding him that yes, he had experienced this on account of his family. He had forced himself into this as a result of their concern. The only reason he was suffering like this was that he felt the need to placate their concern. Still did.

"I'm fine." He said, trying to hide the shaking of his hands by clenching them into fists. He did feel much better, but he didn't want to tell his brother that throwing up made him feel good.

"I don't think I can eat ham, though."

"Mamá is waiting outside." His brother informed him hesitantly. "she feels terrible for trying to make you eat. She didn't know..."

Alex washed his hands before turning off the water. "I didn't know either. Don't worry about it. I just don't think I'll be eating anymore today, though. I feel sick." He lied.

"I'll talk to Mamá then. We don't want this to happen again, do we?" His brother joked weakly.

"No," Alex replied. "We don't."

☾ *:·ﾟ✧

The next day Alex ate more at dinner without his mother's encouragement, then excused himself and went to the bathroom, and promptly threw up everything he ate.

It was nearing Christmas holidays when Alex felt too tired to stream at all. He had developed bags underneath his eyes, despite the plentiful sleep that he got each night, and had an unusual pale pallor even though he used to have a brilliant tan. But he still woke up every morning and plastered a smile on his face, his parents never suspecting anything. They suspected that Alex was staying up too late at night, which would constitute for why he was so tired during the day. He tried to improve his Youtube videos and playing the piano, and practice more editing in general. He wanted things to be as it was when he initially began with this control issue. He needed things to improve. He wanted things to be as it once was.

In any case, it shamed Alex to think that he was throwing up his dinners. He hadn't given much thought to it at first, as it served its duty to rid the contents of his stomach. But each day that he did it only increased his need for this... purging. He constantly remembered how his mother had accused him of being anorexic, yet now he ate to such an extent. He was unable to quit eating. Two weeks ago, his family stared as Alex piled food onto his plate, to fulfil the chewing hunger deep within. He had looked up and found himself under the gaze of the household, some sickened and others stunned. They had never seen Alex eat that much in one setting before.

Afterwards, he felt so ashamed he left immediately for the restroom, unable to bear the weight of those eyes any longer. He ate normally after that, sometimes going to the kitchen late at night for a snack that he could take with him to his room.

Not that he gained much weight from that. Alex made sure that almost all the food he consumed wouldn't be allowed to digest. It was a daily ritual, to eat and afterwards rid the food from his stomach. It wasn't as if he was getting alarmingly thin, and Alex was glad for getting rid of excess weight on his body. A social media icon shouldn't be... fat, all things considered. All he was doing would be worth it after a while, even if he was feeling too tired to go to do practically anything.

Yes, he was ashamed that he couldn't tell his friends about his situation, but they would worry again. And they wouldn't allow him to cleanse himself of all that harmful foods. And he couldn't allow himself to get any rounder. He had to act normally, or else Aksel and the others would worry.

And that was why Alex was sitting at his setup, playing Minecraft with some friends on a December day, cold and tired enough to fall asleep on the spot. He was wrapped up in many layers of clothing, but he could still see his fingers trembling in the chilly basement. He was so cold... and he just wanted to be in his warm bed, sleeping...

"C'mon, Alex..." Aksel said in the Discord call, "You need to stop playing Minecraft... you really shouldn't be playing if you feel that awful."

Indeed, he already knew that. His empty stomach was pestering him, but it wasn't as awful as the cold. He felt lightheaded out of nowhere, and all of a sudden really, really resented playing videogames.

"Hey, are you alright, Alex?" Ani asked, examining tired his face through the call. "You're pale... Maybe you should go get some rest."

"I'm fine." Alex brushed off the concern. "Just a bit cold, there's nothing more to it. Honest." He sniffled.

Ani gave him a doubting look, seeing the many layers he had on, but got the point that he wanted to be left alone.

She went back to playing Minecraft and cast one last glance at her other monitor and saw him close his eyes tiredly. He looked like death warmed over.

Alex closed his eyes involuntarily, his lids feeling too tired and his body barely able to sit straight in his chair. He felt as if he was being drained of energy as each second went by, and he just wanted to leave the call.

"Alex!"

His eyes snapped open to see a bewildered Aksel, booging it away from at least a dozen zombies. Alex's eyes widened as he saw the zombies now running after him. They were just a few blocks behind him, emitting that creepy signature growl. Alex leaned forward, jerked his mouse and repeatedly smashed the keyboard, with an end goal to kill the massive amount of zombies, his tiredness nearly forgotten, but replaced by a wave of queasiness.

He stilled for a moment before he fell backwards into his chair, his vision blurring.

The last thing he heard was the concerned shouts of his friends mixing in with the soothing hum of the Minecraft music as his hands fell slack and his eyes rested for just a moment...


	4. chapter four

Alexis woke up to hands shaking him roughly, and he immediately tried to bat those hands away despite how tired his arms felt. Hazel eyes opened wide and bright colours swirled before his eyes as he suddenly registered the cold he had nearly forgotten about while unconscious.

Stone walls. His setup. He was draped across his chair in the basement. Why? Why wasn't he sleeping in his bed? These thoughts obscured Alex's mind as he locked eyes with his younger brother, who'd shaken him awake.

"What— why the fuck was I sleeping in my chair?" Alex asked, clearly dishevelled.

"Why are you even asking me? I wasn't here when you fell asleep." His brother answered annoyedly, rolling his eyes.

"Whatever, man," Alex checked the time on his wristwatch. 09:48 am. " just leave me alone. Tell mamá she doesen't have to cook me any food, would you? I'm not feeling too great right now. I'll eat later." He pleaded. His brother nodded sullenly and walked out the room. Alex new that he shouldn't push his family away, but it seemed as though he couldn't help it.

Alex blamed his lack of appetite on the flu and had been able to get away with several days of barely eating anything. He had been lucky- his exhaustion, inability to keep warm, and his unfocused state could all he blamed on the simple flu.

He sighed audibly and picked up his cap from the floor. He ruffled up his dark locks before putting it on and turning on his computer. He had about a dozen messages from his friends. They were all asking him what happened and making lighthearted jokes. Alex ignored them all.

As Christmas approached, Alex took to wearing multiple layers of clothing to keep warm. This kept everyone from seeing his gaunt form, wasting away from the inability to keep a meal down. Alex had stopped thinking about what he was doing, knowing by now that he had resigned himself to this situation. He knew it was a problem, but he just didn't want to deal with it.

And Christmas came and went with little incident. Alex stayed in his room most of the time, with few people ever seeing him outside. He had sent off all his presents to his friend round the world and received some in return, without real acknowledgement of the holiday. Most of his time had been spent sleeping and working on new videos.

But January only sprung a surprise at the boy. While Alex and his parents were back on comfortable speaking terms again, Alex found that he just didn't as much to talk about as before. He had gotten used to the quiet during the holiday, and felt uncomfortable around places of noise.

With his yearly physical examination growing closer, Alex started to get a little nervous. Although the examinations were not a thorough thing, just a brief height and weight chart, as well as blood pressure and health, it was still something that could prove to be rather eventful.

Alex spent a few hours frantically wondering how he was going to get out of doing the exams. Physical examinations had always made him uncomfortable, year after year. While he wasn't the tallest boy in his social circle, he wasn't exactly short per se. And though he didn't weigh himself on a regular basis, Alex calculated his weight to be around 50 kilograms.

That was not a good thing according to the physical exams. It was something that had to be remedied.

☾ *:·ﾟ✧

Alex's brother was not the most graceful boy in town. In fact, he was far, far from it. Still slightly childlike even at fourteen years of age, he was sweet and clumsy to the point that his friends would roll their eyes at him every time something went wrong. He was not the bravest person, nor anyone with really special attributes, really.

But he was good at noticing things that other people didn't. It was during that year when he had developed an unspoken agreement with his parents to watch out for Alex. They had agreed not to interfere with anything, but to keep an eye out if something was off about him.

An agreement like that was hard to maintain, though, as there were at all times something off with Alex. The dark-haired boy was much more introverted now. It wasn't hard to tell that he was keeping secrets from his family.

"Maybe he's trying to hide an affair with a girl."

Alex's brother shook his head at the offhand statement. His mother's serene expression made her look altogether too pleasant, and he couldn't tell if she had been joking or not.

"If he's trying to hide an affair, I think he'd be more likely to sneak out rather than staying in his room all the time." He answered thoughtfully.

"That's true. Anyhow, dinner is about to be served. Go get Alex, would you?" His mother inquired. Alex's brother nodded solemnly and trudged through the house, reaching Alex's room within a minute. He carefully knocked on the wooden door. He heard muffled rustling, and was soon met with Alex's tired face.

"What is it?" Alex asked. He tried forcing a crooked smile, which ended in a weird grimace.

"Dinner is ready—" He was cut off almost immediately. "Go tell mamá I'm not fucking hungry." He spat, glaring coldly at his younger brother. Alex's brother had had enough. Alex was pushing him away, and he wouldn't stand aside while his brother kept destroying himself. This was where he put his foot down.

"You don't get to speak to me like that! Why are you pushing me away?" He barked angrily, poking Alex in the chest. Alex's lip curled into a sneer, and she sent his brother one last glare before dashing through the door and down the hall.

☾ *:·ﾟ✧

It was the day of Alex's yearly physical examination, and his brother had just returned from school. He was in the process of walking to the back of the house in order to enter, when he heard a soft rustle, and immediately tensed up. He leaned back against some trash-cans, eyeing the wall suspiciously. Mexico wasn't exactly the safest place on earth.

Another soft rustle behind the house, and Alex's brother dared a peek to see if it was someone he knew that was there. He was more than shocked to find Alex crouching on the concrete, face hidden in shadows as he went through his pockets. The boy seemed expressionless as he slowly rummaged through his clothing, and pulled out a few large stones.

His brother barely dared to breathe as he watched Alex, eyes widening with each rock or heavy item that was pulled out of Alex's pockets. What was he doing? Alex was placing the items in a neat order behind the wall.

There were a couple more rustles and Alex managed to pull out a thin, but large water bottle and a heavy looking book. When all of it was out, Alex stood up again, looking very tired and weary, before turning and walking back into the house, never noticing that someone had been watching him.

His brother just watched Alex walk back, confused. What in the world was going on?

Alex sighed in relief when he got back into his room. He had dreaded throughout the day that his doctor would suddenly call him and tell him there was some error in his examinations.

He might look too thin... but healthy foods aren't bad, right? His body just needed some time to adjust to them, that's all. He wasn't eating things that were so heavy to his system anymore.

Alex also hoped that no one would notice a pile of his things behind the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's a lot of damage. 
> 
> #weloveyoualex <3


	5. chapter five

The following days passed slowly for Alex and his family. His parents had once again started to worry about the amount of rest that the dark-haired boy now needed per day. It appeared to be almost like he was constantly sleeping. Either that or editing videos and streaming for hours on end. The quality of Alex's videos had dropped significantly, and his fans had started worrying because they could tell that the boy was attempting his hardest.

Alex's brother had never reported the strange incident he witnessed behind their home to their mother, rather deciding to think about it for a couple of days. He just couldn't remember why the action that Alex took had sprung a light in his head, and he couldn't remember what the light was about.

But even without the notification, their mother was beginning to do a touch of research on her own. She couldn't in any way, shape or form stick with the anorexia theory, even though Alex only seemed to eat periodically. He ate more than enough without prompting when he did eat, and she knew he had food stored in his room for snacks.

Frequent mood swings, hoarding food, being antisocial... those were symptoms of so many different illnesses; almost like flu symptoms could lead up to so many different and more dangerous diseases. All the indications that Alex had could either be that he still had an eating disorder, that he was mentally unbalanced, depressed or going through a certain antisocial stage in his life, attempting to be somebody he was not.

She realised that she needed more information before she could make an accurate assumption. It was certainly too early for her to jump to conclusions just yet, and she didn't want to anger Alex even more with what she said. Honestly! That boy had a nasty temper!

So in the next few days as summer drew closer, his mother kept an eye on Alex's behaviour despite knowing that she was worrying too much. She had talked to Alex's father about the possibility of Alex being mentally disturbed, and he had actually given her ideas some serious thought.

"Give him time." He had said. "I'll help you with the research, if you want. If there is something wrong, Alex will talk to us about it when he's ready. Then we'll be ready to help him."

Turning to Alex's younger brother, she confided to him about her worries and coached him about different signs that he should be looking for because Alex might not be so tense around him. It was hard to get decent conversation out of Alex these days, but his brother had almost always been calm around Alex.

Their mother could tell that something was bothering him, like there was something he was debating on telling her about. And as much as she wanted to ask him about it, she also knew that he would not take kindly to her intruding on his thoughts. It seemed to be a year of 'don't ask, don't tell'.

By the time March rolled around, she had gone from a concerned mother to an extremely worried, fussing mother at Alex's side. She knew that he hated it, knew that she was nothing but an annoyance to him at that time, but just couldn't help it. She had grown scared for him, seeing how pale and drawn his skin had been whenever his sleeves pulled up. Alex had always had a light tan.

It was several weeks later when Alex's mother was able to catch him rubbing furiously at his face, and wincing slightly from pain. She immediately latched onto that like a dog on a bone, and demanded that he went to see a doctor when Alex had reluctantly admitted that his face and throat hurt. Predictably, Alex's response had been... quite angry.

They had gotten into an argument until they finally compromised on her checking Alex over, but no one else. She had been worried to find swollen salivary glands, but Alex had waved it off as being sick again. He said that she was overreacting to everything, and that his father seemed to be more accepting of the things he did, which was saying a lot.

"There is something wrong with you, Alex." His mother had snapped back when he said that, now more than a little irritated that he would keep brushing her off. She had been worried sick over him all of sixth year, and he just brushed her aside like a fly! "I know that you're supposed to talk to us on your own, but I just-"

"Us? Who the fuck is us?" Alex had responded, eyes narrowed as he looked at her. "As far as I know, you're the only one who will not leave me the hell alone about this. Everyone else knows that I'm fine except you. I can take care of myself! There is nothing fucking wrong with me!"

"You're moody all the time, have a shorter temper than ever and you're extremely secretive. You horde food in your room, disappear without saying anything after dinner. You're constantly sick now, and antisocial, always tired and sleeping, and you can't even keep up with Youtube, your job, now. These are all signs that point to something being wrong, Alex. And maybe you don't see it, but everyone is worried about you- it's just that no one's willing to try your temper these days."

If possible, Alex's usually expressive eyes grew colder. Even his angry expression disappeared to leave his mother desperate for a way to get through to her eldest son. Alex appeared apathetic to everything she had just said, despite the emotion that she had willed into her voice during her tirade. He stood there in the hall that they had been arguing in, covered with layers of clothing, still as a statue.

"We want you to tell us what you're feeling." His mother pleaded. "But you don't talk to us. And I'm afraid that if I wait like everyone else, something bad will happen."

Alex fixed cold, hazel eyes on her, visibly fighting an internal battle. After a long moment of waiting, he turned away, saying shortly, "I'm going for a run outside." Alex's mother was not willing to let him go. "It's still too cold outside for you to go out. You already exercise too much— especially in such bad weather."

Alex whirled around to face her again. "Why do you have to fucking nag at everything I do?" Then with a final glare, he ran through the house, away from her. Seeing him run past a corner, she felt an overwhelming sense of foreboding that almost made her physically sick.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Buckle up, this is going to be a bumpy ride.

Alex's brother hadn't been feeling all too well that day, but that was his friends' fault. They

had wanted to play basketball at school. After being kicked out of the game for constantly getting hit over the head with the ball by accident, he decided that he didn't want to play the otherwise oh-so-popular sport. People who were good at sports would not agree with him.

He had gone home and stopped by the bathroom in the hallway to freshen up. The door was locked, and he went to knock on it. Alex's brother was stopped mid-motion by the harshness of choking sounds. The boy froze when he heard the sounds of dry heaves.

"Stupid mom," He heard the furious whisper. "Why does she always have to bug into my goddamned problems? What if my problems should never come to light?"

There was a heavy sigh before Alex turned on the faucet and the sound of rushing water filled the room. His brother's mind was racing as he finally connected the dots. The things that had been happening— Alex throwing up as if it was an every-day occurrence, hiding heavy objects in his jacket when he had to take the physical examination. And what had their mother told him just days ago? That Alex had been in the beginning stages of anorexia last year, and that he had been in denial about it.

With a solid idea of what was happening beginning to construct in his head, he ducked into his room as Alex left the bathroom. He was pretty sure he knew what was happening, but wanted to check with their mother just to be sure. Besides, she would know what to do.

☾ *:·ﾟ✧

"Alex?"

The dark-haired boy groaned loudly and rolled over. It was far too early in the morning for anyone to be up, and Alex himself could barely bring himself to move at all. Last night's stream had been so tiring. And he was warm at the moment. He could never seem to get warm while out of his bed, so Alex wasn't about to get up when he didn't have to.

"Come on, Alex... it's time to get up."

Alex snuggled deeper into his Disney princess blanket as a small gust of wind flew past him. "Stop, it's so fucking cold..."

There was a temporary silence before another blanket was wrapped around him and Alex immediately felt better. But it still wasn't like he was going to wake up completely just because of that. He was still too tired to even make whoever it was that woke him up go away.

"Alex..."

Who was that? Oh, yeah. His little brother. Knowing that it was him and that he was about to do something dumb, like pull the blankets off Alex altogether, the boy squinted open an eye to see his sibling hovering over him.

There was an amused snort. "His Highness has graced us with his attention!" The mattress dipped as Alex's brother jumped onto the bed, making Alex squawk in protest and scramble away so that he wouldn't get squashed. All of a sudden he was wide awake and sitting up.

After seeing the large grin on his brother's face, Alex had to chuckle. That was... an interesting way to wake up.

Finally finding the energy to get up himself, Alex grabbed the nearest pillow and swatted his sibling with it. "It's too early in the morning to wake me up, you fucker!"

Both of them settled down after a little while, still chuckling as they casually threw small insults at each other. It was comfortable, and something that they had been doing for years on end.

"But why'd you wake me up so frickin' early?" Alex had asked after a few minutes of comfortable silence. He was leaning against the cold stone wall as well, legs drawn up to his chest and his arms dangling off his knees. The other boy had taken to lounging around at the end of the bed, still sitting cross-legged and picking at the bedcovers.

His brother's previous expressions sobered and grew slightly worried. "You know you can talk to me, mamá and dad about anything, right?"

Alex blinked. Oh no.

"Of course."

The smaller boy looked at him for a moment, as if debating whether the answer was sincere or not. He seemed to accept the answer after a few moments, although Alex wasn't sure if he believed it or not.

"I wanted to leave this to mamá. Alex wrapped his blanket tighter around himself. "What are you talking about?"

His brother's shoulders seemed to hunch up a little, taking his time to think up an answer. "You might take this badly, but... we've been looking out for you the past few months, Alex. We wanted to be unobtrusive as possible, so we just let you make your own decisions without interfering. Mamá was the one who felt that if left to your own devices, you'd never get over this period in your life. What period it is right now, I don't know... if you're just going through a stage of depression, or if you just want to be left alone this year. You've certainly given us enough 'hints' that you didn't want us hanging around all the time."

"We would have given you all year to go through the issues by yourself, but both mamá and I have connected some information that... well, you would not have wanted us to know."

The younger boy fell silent for a moment, watching the other closely for a reaction. Alex kept his face devoid of all emotion. Inside, the boy cringed at the thought that his family had been watching him all year. He didn't want to bother them anymore, and the more he wanted that, the more he did the opposite.

"Tiredness, excessive cold, hoarding food, inability to concentrate, being antisocial, mood swings, swollen jaw, eating excessively at times and barely anything at others." He hesitated for a moment, "And... I heard you throwing up-"

"I was sick!" Alex protested quickly, sounding agitated. "I felt sick and I threw up! Didn't mamá tell you that I was sick? I had a sore throat, and didn't feel like eating much because it was hard to keep the food down-"

"Alex." His brother interrupted. "You're a horrible liar."

The dark-haired boy shut his mouth firmly. "It took us some time to figure it out. Maybe we weren't as observant as we thought we were. Maybe we were just in denial about it since we wanted to believe that you were okay." He took on a contemplating expression. "Maybe we were too preoccupied with our own lives that we didn't notice anything other than ourselves. Whatever the reason, we don't want it to continue any longer."

Alex wanted to protest that there was nothing wrong with him. He wanted to deny all of his brother's accusations and say that they were looking too much into things. He wanted to yell at his sibling about how he was fine and they should stop nagging on him. He wanted to be harsh and self-centred and arrogant. But he stayed quiet.

His younger sibling was staring at him as if trying to figure him out. It took a few moments before he dared to speak, "You might not believe us, but our research all lead to the same thing, Alex." Seeing that Alex was about to protest, the younger raised both hands to halt him. "Just listen for a moment. This disorder is dangerous and has to be treated straight away. It upsets the chemical balances in your body so that you can't tell when you're full or not. Because of long periods of starvation and then throwing up whenever you do eat, your body is trying to save itself by not telling you when you are full. After a while, your throat just can't handle throwing up food anymore and your stomach would be so full that it just might... rupture."

He took a deep breath. "I went through at a dozen online articles on what could happen if it isn't treated, and it's not pretty, to say the least. I don't want any of that happening to you, Alexis. Mamá doesn't want any of that to happen to you... nobody does."

The long silence afterwards signalled the end of his brothers' speech, and Alex hugged his blanket tighter.

"Did you tell the doctor anything?" Alex asked meekly.

The other boy shook his head slowly. "Mamá wanted to, but I told her to wait. I think that you would want to tell her instead of being brought to the doctor by someone else."

Alex turned his gaze downward. He sighed and asked quietly, "Just when did you get so thoughtful?"

He smiled faintly. "Don't know. Maybe when you started acting immature... and I realised that I had to be the strong one. Wasn't easy, I can tell you that. Don't know how you deal with me all the time."

"Just think about talking to the doctor." He said. "If not for yourself, then for me and our parents." Then he slipped out of Alex's bed and disappeared through the doorway.

That afternoon Alex started a chill stream. He just wanted to talk to his fans for a bit. He stared at himself on the screen with a dull expression on his face. Alex looked long and hard at his image, at the chubby cheeks and the body that was so wasted away from nearly half a year of denied food. His features were pale and emancipated. He felt hideously fat.

He turned away from his webcam to adjust his hoodie slightly and was startled when. The robotic sound of a donation being read out loud broke the silence. Liz had donated 100 dollars.

"Alex, stop doing this to yourself. We all love you. It's okay to ask for help #weloveyoualex <3" The message stopped, and the room was once again tensely silent. Alex felt the tears well up in his eyes, and he desperately fought them back, trying with all of his might not to cry on his god-damned livestream. Alex sniffled a bit and gathered up the courage to answer.

"Thank you so much for the donation Liz, you're amazing. And... I'll try, okay?" Alex answered with a nervous smile. The comments exploded with "#weloveyoualex," and Alex finally let the tears fall to get rid of them. He quickly wiped them away with his sleeve, staining the light-grey fabric with his tears. He smiled wetly as the donation train kept going, everybody telling him that he was loved and that he was beautiful just the way he was. He had ignored the comments concerning eating disorders for so long now.

He thanked everybody one last time and turned off the livestream after a good hour online, biting his lip as he thought to himself. The hashtag. His fans. They seemed... concerned. His family was worried as well. He really was sick, wasn't he? The logical part of his brain told him that he was dangerously thin, just as his family had tried to tell him. But looking at the images of himself on twitter, seeing those swollen cheeks and the remaining thickness of his arms and legs almost made him cry. Half of the year of work to try and lose weight, and he was still so fat. He hadn't tried hard enough... he had listened to his friends too much, that was why he just couldn't be satisfied with himself.

Alex knew beyond a doubt that he couldn't stand being this fat anymore. He would do anything, anything to change this. He hated feeling so inadequate.

Snagging a jacket from his closet, Alex burst out of his room, hurrying through the house and outside. He passed loads of strangers on the streets, not even sparing a glance to all the people staring at him.

He pushed open the heavy doors to the hospital. Everything had to be done quickly before he lost his nerve. He couldn't stand feeling the way he did. The shame of having his family and fans know what was happening to him coupled with the self-dissatisfaction was just too much. They knew too much- so much more than he knew. He waited for his turn, fidgeting in his seat, and rushed into the room when the doctor was finally ready to see him.

"Alexis, what in the world-!" The doctor gaped at him when he pushed down his hood, revealing tired eyes and pale, pale skin.

"Sir," Alex began quickly, swallowing heavily as to not lose his nerve. He felt as if there were golf balls stuck in his throat. "I'd like to know about eating disorders... and treatments."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end! So... there you have it. This story has been really interesting for me, and I've enjoyed writing it. I'm kind of surprised that anybody would want to read anything as ... serious as this. But anyways, thank you for reading this story, I appreciate it! Feel free to let me know what kind of story I should write next. Until next time. *wave*


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